Of Letters and Parcels . . . .

Hallmark#19
Originally uploaded by VickieHallmark 

It was a brilliant day. I received two things in the post yesterday that weren't bills! *lol*

The first was a beautifully wrapped parcel all the way from the States from the wonderful Vickie Hallmark. I'd won these delightful pair of earrings from her and I couldn't have been more happy when I opened the parcel. Let me tell you, they are gorgeous, delicate and perfectly made. They will be put to very good use when I attend chemo next week. :)

The second was a letter from the local Special Care Baby Unit.  I'd popped along there last week when I attended my Oncology appointment.  I have been busily knitting tiny mittens and purpose made hats for the premature babies in the Unit.  I really just dropped the package and left, which made the letter I received all the more poignant.  How lovely to know that something I've made will be used by those tiny souls just starting out on their lives, and even more humbling to know that their anxious parents will feel the love of someone completely unrelated to the Unit.

Of course, the eco warrior in me is delighted that I was able to use up loads of odds and ends of sock wool to make this little collection of goodies.  Waste not, want not . . .

Of Poodles and Coffee . . .

It wasn’t meant to happen quite like it did, in fact it almost didn’t happen at all.  We had discussed waking up early to celebrate Beltaine Morn at the local stone circle and when we heard that there was going to be a public ceremony there too  as part of the musical festival  in the market town, we thought we might like to go and be part of that.

But the early morning start wasn’t inviting at all.

So when the alarm went off at 4.45 am I was all for turning over and going back to sleep, with promises to the Goddess to make amends later on during the day.  Oh, I am a bad Pagan.  But my dog had other ideas.  He decided that it was indeed a good time to get up and he can be really persuasive when he wants to be!  So we got up out of a lovely warm bed, just as the dawn chorus was getting into full throttle and made a thermos of coffee (which was promptly forgotten and left in the kitchen!) and at just after 5.30am we left the house to drive to the stone circle.  Seconds later, a beautiful deer crossed the road in front of our car, leaping easily over the dry stone walls.  Amazing.

As we drove higher up on to the Moor, the mist thickened and I wondered if we’d walk straight past the stones by mistake.  But the others had gathered before us and we heard them way before we saw them ghosting through the whiteness.  It was stunning.  And whilst I couldn’t take part in everything that occurred, being awake so early on Beltaine Morn,  thanking the Goddess for Her abundance whilst listening to the sky larks and watching the mist disappearing to reveal buzzards wheeling above our heads, was a magical way to honour the passing of the Wheel of the Year.

As we departed, I left my offerings in the circle and when we got home we drank that thermos of coffee.  It would have been lovely to drink it in the rain at the stones, but it was even nicer to enjoy it in the warm, indoors.  

Of Creative Expressions . . .

 

Aren't these girls just adorable?  I've been knitting up a storm recently.  It's kept my hands busy, even if my mind has been wandering somewhat with The Chemo Tireds™.  But my attention span has been very limited so these lovely bunny sisters have taken far longer than necessary to complete.  Not to worry ~ they are now on their way to a friend who is selling them on behalf of several Cancer charities and a local hospice.

A huge thank you to the designer of the bunny pattern, the lovely Barbara Prime who is more than happy for people to sell their creations made with her gorgeous patterns,especially for a good cause.  Go check out her blog and coo at the cuddly chipmunks!  :)

Oh and if anyone wants to make my day, do buy me her chippie knitting pattern. I'd be really grateful.  *wink*

 Ohh, I should be careful what I wish for! The wonderful Knitnurse read my blog and I came back to a cute little chipmunk pattern yesterday.  Thank you sweetie ~ *Mwaaaaaaaah*

Next up, I finished the Month of Earrings!

WooHoo!!!!

 

1. Newest Favs, 2. MOE ~ Ebren No. 2, 3. MOE ~ Ebren No. 3, 4. MOE ~ Ebren No. 4

It was a bit of a struggle, especially with being tired 'n' all but the feeling of completion once it was all done was amazing.  It proved to me that I can still do things ~ and creative ones too.

BTW if you see a pair you like, then do drop me a line. A few have been sold already the rest are available if anyone is interested.

So, that's basically what I've been doing for the last few weeks. Resting when necessary, creating lovely things and then a trip up to see my folks on the other side of the country.  Another tick in my Goddess Year Book. Go me.  :)

Now I'm waiting for my next MRI scan and then it's back to chemo.  Ho hum . . .

Of Spoons and Rants . . .

I was sent the link to a very personal take on disability today and it explains everything in such an easy way.  I wish I had had it when I began this journey with cancer.   

Now, before I go on with this mini rant I urge you to have a read of this wonderful article.  Just exchange ‘Lupus’ with ‘Chemo’ . . .

The Spoon Theory

I have to hold my spoons very close to my chest.  Some days are better than others, and now thanks to my few weeks off from active treatment I have a few more spoons than usual.  But last week for example I used up my allowance at the end of the week - out on Thursday evening for a meal with work friends, (resting throughout the days before and after) out on Friday evening  to see a band (I had bought seats for the gig, and was eternally grateful for that!) and then a sewing workshop on Saturday.  

 By Sunday I was so tired I couldn’t even talk.  The act of even thinking and producing a coherent sentence was too much for me and I’ve been recovering ever since.  But damn it, if I don’t have times to enjoy myself then there really isn’t much point of continuing with treatment.  And after all the money, time and effort people have put in to me, it seems rather ungrateful not to enjoy the time and energy I do have left.

So next time someone says to me  ‘ . . .but you look so well . . .’ (the subtext being that you don’t look like you have *intake of breath* cancer)  I will be able to tell them of the Spoon Theory and let them work out how many damn utensils it’s taken for me to get out of the house that day.

Rant over.

Of Gifts and Haircuts . . .

 

A wonderful friend sent me a very special parcel this week.  In it she placed a beautiful knitted shawl which she'd made just for me and a lovely butterfly brooch.  How perfect.

Then Charley had a traumatic experience.  This was him before . . .

 .  .  .  and then afterwards he looked like this . . .

 

Now he didn't seem that bothered by the lack of gorgeous fluffy fur, it was more a trauma for me to be honest!

Doesn't he look smart?

Of Brave Warrior Freedom Fighters . .

This month, I became a Freedom Fighter!  

I had to deal with a situation which had arisen during my last chemo treatment 6 weeks previously.  The ways in which I was dealing with my own treatment was called into question by a member of the oncology unit, in a completely unprofessional manner at a totally inappropriate moment.  The whole thing stunned me and made me very depressed for several weeks.  It was so uncalled for and came out of the blue - needless to say I was unprepared for it.  When you are already in a weakened state physically and emotionally this is the last thing you need, believe me.

What made me all the more surprised was the fact that I let it affect me so much.  After much thought and talking to my Macmillan nurse about it, I decided to take things into my own hands.  So I went and had a chat quietly with the nurse in charge of the unit.  I needed to write down what I intended to say as, thanks to treatment I have what is lovingly called ‘Chemo Brain’ by us patients, which basically means that I have cotton wool instead of the quick thinking organ that I used to have.  My written piece went along the lines of 

This Is What Happened, 

This Is How It Made Me Feel, 

This Is What I Would Like Done About It.

I was so nervous when I spoke my piece.  Goodness knows why, but after living with this for 6 weeks I had got myself really worked up.  But the nurse in charge was brilliant.  Oh, if only I’d been able to talk to her at the time! She was so supportive, apologized repeatedly for the incident (although as I pointed out to her, it wasn’t up to her to do so) and has promised to deal with everything as I have requested.  

I walked out of the unit feeling so Free!  I had been living under the shadow of the original incident and someone else’s assumptions for weeks - all of which was totally inappropriate, not to mention rude and highly unprofessional. I had suffered weeks of depression because I had let the words of someone who should have known better effect my state of mind. Well, thanks to being the determined Goddess that I am, and with the support of my Goddess Year Book and the Goddess Kali ringing in my ears, I dealt with it quietly and with dignity. I hope I’ve ensured that no other patient will have to go through what I had to at the Unit on that day.

I needed to be reminded of the Freedom I have to be me. 

I fought for me.  I feel like a Warrior!

Of Stones and Yarn . . .

Stone Art

I do love my Goddess work book.

Whilst I haven’t been at my best over the past couple of weeks (the Chemo Tireds™ seem to hit me at the latter end of each week) I have been able to cross off a couple more Goddess Wishes. Last weekend my lovely husband declared we would go stone chasing ~ gently. So he planned a little outing down to Cornwall, where we ‘discovered’ the Duloe

stone circle. It is Cornwall’s smallest stone circle and luckily for me, just off the road. I found it a beautiful, welcoming sacred site and full of gentle energy.

Spot the poodle!

Then we went to the local well, also just off the road. St Cuby’s well

is an ancient spring which was Xtianised during the medieval era. It certainly oozes pagan charm and apparently I’m not the only one who sensed it as was proved by the offerings left between the stones in the inner chamber. Apparently the well is still ‘dressed’ each year too. :)

Then this weekend, once The Tireds™ had left me alone again, we managed to take the puppy (can I still call him that?) to one of the beaches on the coast just south of us. Charley had a wonderful time meeting new friends, diving in and out of the surf and chasing a flung tennis ball around. Of course, it didn’t actually have to be his toy that he was chasing . . .

During those times when I felt too exhausted to do anything I’ve been sitting and resting. It’s been depressing that I can’t actually do much even whilst I’m sitting down though. The impetus just hasn’t been there, but when I can put my mind to things I am to knitting a bit. I’ve asked the designers of two patterns if they would mind if I made a couple of their items for a charity event in the summer. Generously they have both said yes, so watch this space for photos to come . . .

And talking about knitting, look what the postie brought me ~ a wonderful package!

This fabbie hand knitted moebius cowl came from the ever so gorgeous and very talented Crobbles. And it is as warm and snugly as you imagine it is. *I'm a toasty Ebren*

So whilst I might grind my teeth in frustration over the lack of my own activity, I am doing things. They just tend to be small things, done ever so slowly . And as a reminder of the power of gentle things, I wrote my Goddess Word in the sand yesterday . . .

. . . and watched as the sea tenderly wiped the beach clear. 

It was a hint from the Goddess Domnu that I don’t have to be a Warrior Goddess at all times. Sometimes, I just need to Be . . . .