Of Spoons and Rants . . .

I was sent the link to a very personal take on disability today and it explains everything in such an easy way.  I wish I had had it when I began this journey with cancer.   

Now, before I go on with this mini rant I urge you to have a read of this wonderful article.  Just exchange ‘Lupus’ with ‘Chemo’ . . .

The Spoon Theory

I have to hold my spoons very close to my chest.  Some days are better than others, and now thanks to my few weeks off from active treatment I have a few more spoons than usual.  But last week for example I used up my allowance at the end of the week - out on Thursday evening for a meal with work friends, (resting throughout the days before and after) out on Friday evening  to see a band (I had bought seats for the gig, and was eternally grateful for that!) and then a sewing workshop on Saturday.  

 By Sunday I was so tired I couldn’t even talk.  The act of even thinking and producing a coherent sentence was too much for me and I’ve been recovering ever since.  But damn it, if I don’t have times to enjoy myself then there really isn’t much point of continuing with treatment.  And after all the money, time and effort people have put in to me, it seems rather ungrateful not to enjoy the time and energy I do have left.

So next time someone says to me  ‘ . . .but you look so well . . .’ (the subtext being that you don’t look like you have *intake of breath* cancer)  I will be able to tell them of the Spoon Theory and let them work out how many damn utensils it’s taken for me to get out of the house that day.

Rant over.

Of Gifts and Haircuts . . .

 

A wonderful friend sent me a very special parcel this week.  In it she placed a beautiful knitted shawl which she'd made just for me and a lovely butterfly brooch.  How perfect.

Then Charley had a traumatic experience.  This was him before . . .

 .  .  .  and then afterwards he looked like this . . .

 

Now he didn't seem that bothered by the lack of gorgeous fluffy fur, it was more a trauma for me to be honest!

Doesn't he look smart?

Of Brave Warrior Freedom Fighters . .

This month, I became a Freedom Fighter!  

I had to deal with a situation which had arisen during my last chemo treatment 6 weeks previously.  The ways in which I was dealing with my own treatment was called into question by a member of the oncology unit, in a completely unprofessional manner at a totally inappropriate moment.  The whole thing stunned me and made me very depressed for several weeks.  It was so uncalled for and came out of the blue - needless to say I was unprepared for it.  When you are already in a weakened state physically and emotionally this is the last thing you need, believe me.

What made me all the more surprised was the fact that I let it affect me so much.  After much thought and talking to my Macmillan nurse about it, I decided to take things into my own hands.  So I went and had a chat quietly with the nurse in charge of the unit.  I needed to write down what I intended to say as, thanks to treatment I have what is lovingly called ‘Chemo Brain’ by us patients, which basically means that I have cotton wool instead of the quick thinking organ that I used to have.  My written piece went along the lines of 

This Is What Happened, 

This Is How It Made Me Feel, 

This Is What I Would Like Done About It.

I was so nervous when I spoke my piece.  Goodness knows why, but after living with this for 6 weeks I had got myself really worked up.  But the nurse in charge was brilliant.  Oh, if only I’d been able to talk to her at the time! She was so supportive, apologized repeatedly for the incident (although as I pointed out to her, it wasn’t up to her to do so) and has promised to deal with everything as I have requested.  

I walked out of the unit feeling so Free!  I had been living under the shadow of the original incident and someone else’s assumptions for weeks - all of which was totally inappropriate, not to mention rude and highly unprofessional. I had suffered weeks of depression because I had let the words of someone who should have known better effect my state of mind. Well, thanks to being the determined Goddess that I am, and with the support of my Goddess Year Book and the Goddess Kali ringing in my ears, I dealt with it quietly and with dignity. I hope I’ve ensured that no other patient will have to go through what I had to at the Unit on that day.

I needed to be reminded of the Freedom I have to be me. 

I fought for me.  I feel like a Warrior!

Of Stones and Yarn . . .

Stone Art

I do love my Goddess work book.

Whilst I haven’t been at my best over the past couple of weeks (the Chemo Tireds™ seem to hit me at the latter end of each week) I have been able to cross off a couple more Goddess Wishes. Last weekend my lovely husband declared we would go stone chasing ~ gently. So he planned a little outing down to Cornwall, where we ‘discovered’ the Duloe

stone circle. It is Cornwall’s smallest stone circle and luckily for me, just off the road. I found it a beautiful, welcoming sacred site and full of gentle energy.

Spot the poodle!

Then we went to the local well, also just off the road. St Cuby’s well

is an ancient spring which was Xtianised during the medieval era. It certainly oozes pagan charm and apparently I’m not the only one who sensed it as was proved by the offerings left between the stones in the inner chamber. Apparently the well is still ‘dressed’ each year too. :)

Then this weekend, once The Tireds™ had left me alone again, we managed to take the puppy (can I still call him that?) to one of the beaches on the coast just south of us. Charley had a wonderful time meeting new friends, diving in and out of the surf and chasing a flung tennis ball around. Of course, it didn’t actually have to be his toy that he was chasing . . .

During those times when I felt too exhausted to do anything I’ve been sitting and resting. It’s been depressing that I can’t actually do much even whilst I’m sitting down though. The impetus just hasn’t been there, but when I can put my mind to things I am to knitting a bit. I’ve asked the designers of two patterns if they would mind if I made a couple of their items for a charity event in the summer. Generously they have both said yes, so watch this space for photos to come . . .

And talking about knitting, look what the postie brought me ~ a wonderful package!

This fabbie hand knitted moebius cowl came from the ever so gorgeous and very talented Crobbles. And it is as warm and snugly as you imagine it is. *I'm a toasty Ebren*

So whilst I might grind my teeth in frustration over the lack of my own activity, I am doing things. They just tend to be small things, done ever so slowly . And as a reminder of the power of gentle things, I wrote my Goddess Word in the sand yesterday . . .

. . . and watched as the sea tenderly wiped the beach clear. 

It was a hint from the Goddess Domnu that I don’t have to be a Warrior Goddess at all times. Sometimes, I just need to Be . . . .

Of Chocolate, Daffs and a Very Special Birthday . . .

Isn’t it wonderful? 

The snowdrops are in full peal and yet already we have the beginnings of the annual daffodil extravaganza.  Today, whilst dodging between the snow and rain showers I captured this wonderful flower against the only bit of blue sky we had all morning.  The afternoon wasn’t much better but I was resting on the sofa having tired myself out again, so didn’t really worry too much about the state of the weather.  Apparently we are going to have more snow . . .

But what an auspicious day it was today!  One year ago our adorable standard poodle was born and although we didn’t know it until several weeks later, one of the litter of 10 puppies was destined to become Charley.   

He has grown into a really wonderful companion, although currently he has the body of an adult and the attitude of a youngster. And that’s very apparent when he comes bounding up to a new friend, whether human or canine!  This morning, as he romped around the field I couldn’t help but laugh when he returned to me covered in mud following a particularly energetic encounter with a mole hill.  He’s still my puppy no matter how old he is . .  . 

This week I had a lovely treat.  Having donned my favourite jacket and smothered myself in glitter (but of course!) the ever wonderful KnitNurse took me out for a foray in to the world of wool skeins and hot chocolate.  We perused, and in her case purchased, some lovely tactile fluffy goodness before partaking of a local coffee/bookshop where I was introduced somewhat intimately, to the resident feline.  *smile* 

The hot chocolate was yummy and the chat delightful whilst we knitted away and probably amused the bookshop owner with our muttered oaths when stitches didn’t follow the perfectly ordered patterns . . . As I’ve said before, knitting, talking and drinking tea (or in this case hot chocolate with lashings of cream and choccie flakes!) is my perfect way to spend time with a friend.  

Big hugs and thanks to the KnitNurse.  :)

BTW I have to end with this picture, seeing as the birthday boy managed to squeeze in the background so beautifully.

 Isn't it just full of fun?

Thoughts of Ginger and Wool

I’m such a lucky girlie!

These fabbie sweets arrived for me last week only days before the wonderful friend who’d found them arrived to spend a couple of days with us here in the Cottage.  I’m rather partial to ginger, even more so since taking chemotherapy.  Of course, there are quite a range of ways of eating the heavenly stuff and believe me I’ve tried pretty much every one!  Ice cream is way up there as a favourite with stem ginger being quite low on my list (too much sugar around the ginger) so it’s been a self penned challenge for my friend to find me other ways of eating what I like and which also happens to avoid the nausea that comes with treatment.  These hard boiled sweets are delightful.  Just enough ginger zing, with the right amount of sweetness ~ and they last quite a while too.  Unluckily for my friend, I’ve just completed this round of treatment and I doubt very much these treats will last until April when I start again!  Still, she did send me two packets . . . *lol*

BTW we had a great time together. Lots of drinking tea, knitting and talking.  The best type of visits include at least one of these I find . .

We were both knitting for another friend who gave birth a bit earlier than anticipated.  There aren’t many places to buy clothes for teeny tots 11weeks premature, so we decided to be creative e~aunties and have been busily clicking needles for baby D. This hat is adorable, and I thoroughly enjoyed making it.  It is divided up into segments and each petal can be unbuttoned so that you can feed the oxygen lines down through it. What a brilliant idea!

I’ve been returning slowly to my Goddess Workbook too. 

There were photos to stick into gaps, and lots of written additions to earlier pages.  I also decided to tackle the Goddess Habits page, which I’d been shying away from if the truth be told.  With the end of the last round of treatment I feel I might be able to structure my days a little from now on, so I started to write a few ideas down.  I was so pleased with the results I then made up another page with my habits which I’ve pinned on to my notice board.  I’m pleased to report that I’ve been able to follow most of the points each day ever since.

Isn’t it amazing what you can do with a little energy and Goddess help?

Slow Days and Snow Drops

I've been slow, tired and generally unmotivated in the past week.  All to be expected really, but it does frustrate me when there is so much to do.

I had a lovely quiet Imbolc, where I remade my altar and lit candles for the Goddess Bride.  Yesterday I picked some of the emerging snow drops that have been poking their heads above the cold soil and placed a small bunch by my Goddess statue.  It isn't much, but I feel comforted by the small signs of passing of the Winter days. 

Crafting and creativity is slow and halting.  I've been making a few pieces for the Month of Earrings challenge and briefly wondered if I should put any of them up for sale?  I've let my little Folksy shop slide over the past few months, but  I think if I make some sets that I particularly like then I will list them.  After all, I could potentially end up with 30 pairs and as much as I love earrings, I doubt I'll be able to wear all of them!  *lol*

My Goddess workbook has been gently resting too, although I feel its call now.  I guess I'm feeling a little stronger as I really want to get back to it and that is the perfect thing to do.  Tomorrow is going to be a day of slowly catching up, which will be perfect too.